Darius19543710

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The 15 Most Baffling Boasts in the History of Rap

0 views    posted 20 May 2012, 15:12    
Ok, ok...I know...this rap-bashing is WAY too easy...like shooting fish in a barrel or taking candy from a laughing baby's mouth...the entire genre and it's "artists" practically bash themselves..but it IS a lot of fun, so here is our next offering entitled:

The 15 Most Baffling Boasts in the History of Rap

The boast is the very backbone of rap. When used correctly, it can turn a run of the mill recollection of words that rhyme into an epic saga of hilarity and badassedness.
But when used incorrectly, shit like this happens...

#15. Lil' Wayne - "Bring it Back"

The Lyric:
"I'm the Cash Money Makaveli, y'all ain't ready, break fast like Tom Petty, y'all just petty."
Why We're Baffled:
Fast like who what now? There are three famous Pettys who were all NASCAR drivers. None of them were Tom. Is he seriously talking about this guy?

Is there a single goddamned thing that is fast about Tom Petty? His music isn't exceptionally fast, he speaks in a manner similar to Forrest Gump and, if we had to guess, he probably can't run for shit. Does Lil Wayne not have anybody in the studio who can Wikipedia this shit, to make sure he has the right guy?
But maybe Wayne's right, maybe we're just being petty.

#14. Lil' Wayne - "Dr. Carter"

The Lyric:
"Fly go hard like geese erection."
Why We're Baffled:
Might as well stick with Lil' Wayne while we're on the subject. And this one flies so much further off the baffling scale it lands somewhere on the moon.
"Fly go hard like geese erection." So... "fly" is a rap term. That gets us through the first word. He's also hard. Like hardcore, like he'll beat your ass. And geese fly. They do, we looked it up.

Research, bitches.
Erections. Geese erections. Are geese... known for that? We would have heard something, wouldn't we? Maybe we're just taking it out of context:
"Swagger tighter than a yeast infection
Fly go hard like geese erection
Fashion patrol police detection
I stay tight like Chinese connection
See? Perfect sense.

#13. Chamillionaire - "You Got Wrecked"

The Lyric:
"I'll lay you out over some beef like some sesame seeds."
Why We're Baffled:
Who is the aggressor here? Is Chamillionaire going to lay somebody out over a disagreement (beef) in a manner that is somehow comparable to the way one might sprinkle sesame seeds over a Chinese take out meal? That doesn't sound very violent at all.

Is this what you want?!
Or are the seeds themselves going to knock somebody right the hell out? Because, seriously, you can read it both ways. And frankly, of the two, enraged sesame seeds engaging in fisticuffs is the far more awesome scenario.

#12. Khia - "Hit Her Up"

The Lyric:
"I got the pussy bitch but I ride my own dick."
Why We're Baffled:
She got what pussy? If she's referring to her own pussy, shouldn't "the" be replaced with "a"?
And if she did, in fact, get the pussy, is that the one she's using to ride her own dick or is she using her own? If so, what is the other pussy doing? Where did she get the dick? Is this a Lady GaGa song? Lyrics like this should include an instructional diagram or flow chart or something.

Of course, that chart would be completely repulsive and unreadable, but still.

#11. Tim Dog - "Fuck Compton"

The Lyric:
"I'm simplistic, imperialistic, idealistic and I'm kicking ballistics."
Why We're Baffled:
Have any of those adjectives ever been used in a positive manner? If a prospective employer were to ask you what your best qualities were, is there any scenario imaginable outside of auditioning for the role of a mentally handicapped person that you would kick things off by saying you're "simplistic"? How about "imperialistic"?
We get that "kicking ballistics" is an awesome phrase, but you just can't rhyme that shit, Tim. Let it go.

The price of not making sense.

#10. Dr. Dre - "Dre Day"

The Lyric:
"Gap tooth in your mouth so my dick's got ta fit."
Why We're Baffled:
Has an attempt at slander ever backfired as horribly as this? Not only does Dre indicate that his dick can fit between the wide gap in his target's teeth, but seems to imply that his dick fits between even normally spaced teeth (where the extra gap gives him confidence that it's got to fit).

Wonder what all that extra muscle is compensating for. Hm...
It's not just that he's implying he has a freakishly small penis, it's that he has to be exaggerating how small his penis is for the purpose of the boast. A penis couldn't function as a penis with a thickness of only a sixteenth of an inch. Even if he had dimensions the other way, like if Dre has a roll of six inch-wide penis tape between his legs, it's just medically impossible.

#9. Ja Rule - "Clap Back"

The Lyric:
"Like Bush and Saddam, I'ma find Em Laden"
Why We're Baffled:
There's really no easy way to tackle this one. Is he saying that, just like George Bush found Saddam Hussein, so too is Ja Rule going to find Eminem? Considering that this song came out a full month or more prior to Saddam being found, that's highly unlikely.
Is he saying at some point "Bush and Saddam" formed one of those WWE olden days "good guy/bad guy" tag teams to fight a common foe? If so, he's implying it worked. The numerous recording sessions Bin Laden has taken part in since then beg to differ.

"Sup."
And lastly, how fucking hard could it be to find Eminem? Just, like, go to where he lives or something. Don't sit around and write nonsensical rhymes about it.

#8. Randy "Macho Man" Savage - "Be a Man"

The Lyric:
"Your movies straight to video the box office can't stand, While I got myself a feature role in Spider-Man."
Why We're Baffled:
Well, just like the rest of you, we're baffled because Macho Man Randy Savage is rapping about Hulk Hogan. So there's that. But damn, of all the slights you can throw in the direction of Hulk Hogan, a man so forward thinking he at one point turned down the opportunity to endorse the George Foreman Grill in favor of endorsing a blender, this is what you come up with? Movies?

You could have done an entire album on this picture.
You played a wrestler in Spider-Man. He played a wrestler in Rocky 3. That's a draw, at best. And to think, had Macho Man been just a little more patient, he could have brought up the fact that Hogan's wife left him for an 18-year-old. There's no coming back from a diss like that. And yes, we have a video of the song. Don't act like you don't want to hear it.

#7. Kool Moe Dee - "Death Blow"

The Lyric:
"I'm a rock them L's! Low life loser, life like luna, lacksadaisical, listless luna, Tic liver lifeless, living likeness, lusting longing lyrics like this, little league, lard larsonist liar, label ledger, left the leper lia, bull, lull, lateral learning, laps language latent lurking, language, language, local logo, light laboring, limited local"
Why We're Baffled:
With rhymes like these, it's a wonder that battle with LL Cool J didn't go better. This reads less like a battle rap and more like a Sesame Street segment. We're not even sure if those are the right lyrics, as no lyrics search engine can seem to agree.

We gave it a listen ourselves and couldn't make heads or tails of it either, as if it matters. Would it be any less ridiculous if we managed to figure out what phrase really goes in place of "listless luna"? Ever the innovator, Moe Dee was the first and last emcee on record to try and take out an opponent simply by showing how many words he knows that start with the same letter.

#6. Run-DMC - "King of Rock"

The Lyric:
"There's three of us but we're not The Beatles."
Why We're Baffled:
Welcome to "Cracked.com Presents: You Make the Call!" Is what's going on here a glaring example of the kind of mistakes that happen when you fail to do research (we're looking at you, Lil' Wayne) or is this one of the most bitingly clever lyrics ever?
Sure, there were four Beatles, so on the surface it just looks stupid. But then again, the song was released a few short years after John Lennon died. So maybe it's just a joke made in bad taste, like if we were to say, "There's two of us but we're not..." Aw fuck it, we don't have the heart.

#5. Jay-Z - "It's Hot"

The Lyric:
"Thirty-eight revolve like the sun around the earth."
Why We're Baffled:
Finally that ongoing beef between Hova and Galileo makes sense. We're all for keeping it old school, but this is pushing it just a little bit.

"I like 99 rappers but Jay-Z ain't one. What, bitch?! I discovered fucking telescopes, you ain't shit."
But in terms of showing off a failed science education, it's still not quite as bad as...

#4. Lil' Fame - "Half and Half"

The Lyric:
"First family will gradually lift that ass up like gravity."
Why We're Baffled:
Man, this reminds us of that old story we used to hear in grade school about how Sir Isaac Newton came up with the law of gravity. He's just sitting there, all chill like underneath an apple tree, right? All of the sudden, an apple falls from the tree, hits him on top of the head and bounces down to the ground. And then, thanks to the "what goes down must come up" principle of gravity, the apple shot right back into the air and struck Newton dead in the chin.

#4. Ol' Dirty Bastard - "Rollin Wit You"

The Lyric:
"Hippa to the hoppa and you just don't stoppa, I control Michael Jackson's 'Thriller,' no matter what"
Why We're Baffled:
Honestly, this was the least baffling ODB lyric we could find and we still have no idea what's going on here.
You control Michael Jackson's "Thriller"? Like, on DVD or something? You have the remote and you decide if and when everyone else in the room stops watching it? We're hoping it's just something simple like that, because if "Michael Jackson's 'Thriller'" is meant to be some kind of euphemism, we absolutely do not want to know what it's a euphemism for.

#3. Vanilla Ice - "Freestyle (Eminem Diss)"

The Lyric:
"My shit is taboo like my sister's ass crack."
Why We're Baffled:
It's baffling enough that Vanilla Ice would bother dissing Eminem, but why, in the midst of of a song directed at someone you hope to insult, would you whip out a line like this? Taboo like your sister's ass crack? Of all the taboos in the world, that's the one you go with?

Why not, "My shit is taboo like the game, Taboo"? That's fun for everybody.
And what is it that's so taboo about your sister's ass crack? Is it just taboo for you or for everybody? Are we at least allowed to admire your sister's ass crack? Are there pictures? Can it rap better than you?

#2. Flavor Flav - "Flavor Man"

The Lyric:
"Joey Fatone, is in my bones, Jackie Hamilton, dollar bill, sittin' real high on Capitol Hill"
Why We're Baffled:
Who could be baffled at a time like this? The man has Joey Fatone in his bones. This is no time for confusion, this is an emergency. But we suppose it could be worse, he could have Lance Bass's bone in him. Good luck sitting on Capitol Hill with that kind of situation unfolding.

Zing around the rosie!

#1. Redman - "5 Boroughs"

The Lyric:
"My paragraph alone is worth five mics, a twelve song LP, that's thirty-six mics"
Why We're Baffled:
We stand corrected, math skills do not get shittier than this. We like Redman, so we tried our damndest to make some sense of this. If one paragraph is worthy of the heralded Source Magazine 5-mic rating, and there are maybe three paragraphs per song, then either each LP is good for 180 mics, or each paragraph is only good for one mic. We have no idea which is correct. What we do know is this... our public education system has clearly failed us.

Makes you wonder how Red even got in to Harvard.

Top Comments

3
AhrimanThorn27.88K • 20 May 2012, 17:05
I love number ten where Dr. Dre brags about having a penis so small that it can fit between a gap in someone’s teeth. Is it bragging though if it is not an exaggeration and is actually true, surely it then just becomes a rather sad confession? I don’t know if he is simply very bad at making himself look badass or is just being brutally honest, but I sincerely hope it is the latter.
2
DominicS4565 • 20 May 2012, 23:20
I f***ing HATE you Darius19543710 for making fun of one of my favourite genres of music huffy, and as soon as I stop laughing so hard at the things in the blog, I will show you why it's as taboo to make fun of the rap genre as is my sister's ass crack.titter Seriously, I hate you. tongue

All Comments

1
nicklemarr2939 • 21 May 2012, 00:42 Show comment
Red the first couple and they make sense if you listen to hip-hop/rap and know the culture.
2
DominicS4565 • 20 May 2012, 23:20 Show comment
I f***ing HATE you Darius19543710 for making fun of one of my favourite genres of music huffy, and as soon as I stop laughing so hard at the things in the blog, I will show you why it's as taboo to make fun of the rap genre as is my sister's ass crack.titter Seriously, I hate you. tongue
1
SIKSYCO168 • 21 May 2012, 00:32 Show comment
your angry about him making fun of these idiots halolhahahahahahalol
0
DominicS4565 • 21 May 2012, 18:47 Show comment
I take it you are in the Special Ed class at school? Just tighten up your helmet a little more and next time make sure you sound out all the words while you are reading. Or get someone else to read it to you who CAN ACTUALLY read with comprehension. I take it YOUR sister's ass crack was NOT taboo for you.
3
AhrimanThorn27.88K • 20 May 2012, 17:05 Show comment
I love number ten where Dr. Dre brags about having a penis so small that it can fit between a gap in someone’s teeth. Is it bragging though if it is not an exaggeration and is actually true, surely it then just becomes a rather sad confession? I don’t know if he is simply very bad at making himself look badass or is just being brutally honest, but I sincerely hope it is the latter.
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